AND THE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE IS: [BLANK]

Nothing personal, my Republican friends, but – Good God! – is this all there is?

Nothing personal, my Republican friends, but – Good God! – is this all there is?

"The issue isn't just jobs. Even slaves had jobs. The issue is wages." --Jim Hightower

Enjoying Hightower? How about a weekly email that gives you the full scoop?


You’re barely a year away from choosing your contender for president of the U.S.A., and Donnie Trump is leading your party’s polls? He’s at the pinnacle because of his non-stop freak show over “birtherism,” which is, of course, a top worry among America’s struggling middle class majority. Obama tried to quell this squall of silliness by ordering up his actual Hawaiian birth certificate and displaying it publicly. But The Donald, after exclaiming how proud he is of himself for having personally made this nonsense an “issue,” then questioned whether the document produced by the president is genuine. “We have to look at it,” he said in all seriousness. As Paula Poundstone wittily noted, next the birthers will demand to see the placenta.

Speaking of biological evidence, has anyone run a DNA test on Trump’s hair? Just asking.

But he’s not the only contender. Here comes Mitt Romney 2011, running furiously against that jackal of Republican liberalism, Mitt Romney 2004. The old version was the one that passed Obamacare in Massachusetts, while the new Romney 2011 says he hates it. Which Mitt fits you?

Meanhile, former Sen. Rick Santorum says he’s ready to win the presidency, even though he couldn’t even win re-election in Pennsylvania in 2006, in part because he didn’t actually seem to live there. And if Sarah Palin just isn’t flighty enough for you, Michele Bachmann might be your cup of strange brew. Or Newt, the pompous professor of political poppycock, who says that he was unfaithful to his first two wives because he was driven by excessive love of country. What a giant.

Wait, there’s more. Tim “Sleepy” Pawlenty is available… and Mitch Daniels… and Buddy Roemer… and Herman Cain… and gosh, who knows who else might pop up?

“Wanted: Viable 2012 candidate,” Austin American Statesman,” May 2, 2011.

“Obama releases birth certificate to end ‘silliness,'” Austin American Statesman, April 28, 2011.

“Once we were sane,” Austin American Statesman,” May 2, 2011.

“9th Circuit hears arguments in Obama birth lawsuit,” Austin American Statesman, May 3, 2011.

“President Obama (Response to Rep. Leo Berman),” Email from Bill J. of Austin, Texas, April 28, 2011.

“Battling the bastards is about as much fun as you can have with your clothes on.”

Never miss a word from Hightower– sign up today:

Send this to a friend