Time for another trip into the Far, Far, Far-out World of Free Enterprise.
Today, Spaceship Hightower makes a journey to the dark side of “the moon of product advertising,” taking a peek at what’s really behind some of the come-ons in ads and on labels. Our guide is Consumer Reports magazine, which is an expert at finding goofs, glitches, and gotchas. You can always locate it at ConsumerReports.org.
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Let’s begin with Campbell’s, the food giant that pushes a line of “Select Harvest” veggie soups, claiming to have “Real Ingredients, For Real Taste.” Recently, though, the package had a new banner, proclaiming: “Now Even Better!” Really? No. The new version simply has more sugar, more salt, and less protein.
But here’s something from TV Brands that seems awfully useful. Called insta-slit, it’s a gadget for opening those products that come encased in practically-impenetrable, and thoroughly-annoying hard plastic. Great! Except the gadget is encased in practically-impenetrable, thoroughly-annoying hard plastic. Go figure.
Now, here’s one that’s just strange. It’s the 13-inch folding step stool by the Simplify company. Behind the simple label, however, is a list of 13 warnings (presumably one for each inch of this little stool). Most worrisome, by far, is this caution to purchasers: “Do not leave step stool unattended.”
But at least it works, which can’t be said for this catalogue offering of a beautifully crafted rosewood and brass walking stick. “The perfect gift,” the ad exults. Except that a fine print tagline warns, “This item is not capable of human support.”
However, even that’s a better gift than this suggestion for a Mother’s Day surprise: “Get mom a termite treatment this Mother’s Day.” Yeah, and just wait for the treatment she gives you.
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