Osama got my deodorant. I put up quite a fight, but the “al Qaeda types,” as Dick Cheney so sweepingly calls them, prevailed in the end.
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As you undoubtedly know, since the British police uncovered that terrorist scheme to blow up some trans-Atlantic flights with liquid explosives, our crack homeland security team has upped its color-coded security warning and launched a massive program of frisking every American passenger to confiscate all liquids, gels, and lotions. Osama might be reclining in a hammock in some Pakistan cave, but he’s got our government authorities spending billions of tax dollars to detain millions of Americans – even if we’re only flying from Poughkeepsie to Peoria – so they can grab our shampoo, toothpaste, sunscreen, and other such weapons. What do you bet those cagey al Qaeda types hold a big chunk of stock in Proctor & Gamble?
Of course, being a patriot, I complied with homeland’s panicky new rules, as best as I could figure them out. But, since I found no mention of a ban on stick deodorant, I packed a tube. On my outbound flight, the screener opened up my deodorant, called over a supervisor, and said: “Isn’t this a gel.” “No,” he proclaimed, “it’s a solid.” Hallelujah, I exclaimed, one small commonsense victory over Osama!
On my return flight, however, homeland authorities took a totally contradictory stance… and seized my offending deodorant. They were nice about it, even suggesting that I trek back to the counter and check the little tube. No, thanks, I said, surrendering it to Osama.
"The issue isn't just jobs. Even slaves had jobs. The issue is wages." --Jim Hightower
This is Jim Hightower saying… It was a natural deodorant, too, with aloe vera, witch hazel, and coriander in it – no artificial preservatives, much less explosives. But wait, I now see that lichen extract is also listed as an ingredient – maybe that’s what set them off. Anyway, we can all feel safer knowing that Osama has halted the flight of our deodorant sticks in America.