Osama got my deodorant. I put up quite a fight, but the "al Qaeda types," as Dick Cheney so sweepingly calls them, prevailed in the end.
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Osama got my deodorant. I put up quite a fight, but the “al Qaeda types,” as Dick Cheney so sweepingly calls them, prevailed in the end.

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As you undoubtedly know, since the British police uncovered that terrorist scheme to blow up some trans-Atlantic flights with liquid explosives, our crack homeland security team has upped its color-coded security warning and launched a massive program of frisking every American passenger to confiscate all liquids, gels, and lotions. Osama might be reclining in a hammock in some Pakistan cave, but he’s got our government authorities spending billions of tax dollars to detain millions of Americans – even if we’re only flying from Poughkeepsie to Peoria – so they can grab our shampoo, toothpaste, sunscreen, and other such weapons. What do you bet those cagey al Qaeda types hold a big chunk of stock in Proctor & Gamble?

Of course, being a patriot, I complied with homeland’s panicky new rules, as best as I could figure them out. But, since I found no mention of a ban on stick deodorant, I packed a tube. On my outbound flight, the screener opened up my deodorant, called over a supervisor, and said: “Isn’t this a gel.” “No,” he proclaimed, “it’s a solid.” Hallelujah, I exclaimed, one small commonsense victory over Osama!

On my return flight, however, homeland authorities took a totally contradictory stance… and seized my offending deodorant. They were nice about it, even suggesting that I trek back to the counter and check the little tube. No, thanks, I said, surrendering it to Osama.

"The issue isn't just jobs. Even slaves had jobs. The issue is wages." --Jim Hightower

This is Jim Hightower saying… It was a natural deodorant, too, with aloe vera, witch hazel, and coriander in it – no artificial preservatives, much less explosives. But wait, I now see that lichen extract is also listed as an ingredient – maybe that’s what set them off. Anyway, we can all feel safer knowing that Osama has halted the flight of our deodorant sticks in America.


“Battling the bastards is about as much fun as you can have with your clothes on.”

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