GIFTS FOR A HAPPIER NEW YEAR

Wait till you hear about the gifts I gave to some of America’s power elites for Christmas.

Wait till you hear about the gifts I gave to some of America’s power elites for Christmas.

To each of our Congress critters, I sent my fondest wish that from now on they receive the exact same income, health care, and pensions that we average citizens get. If they receive only the American average, it might make them a bit more humble – and less willing to ignore the needs of regular folks.

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For America’s CEO’s, my gift is a beautifully boxed, brand new set of corporate ethics. It’s called the golden rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Going to pollute someone’s neighborhood? Then you have to live there, too. Going to slash wages and benefits? Then slash yours as well. Going to move your manufacturing to sweatshops in China? Then put your office right inside the worst sweatshop. Executive life won’t be as luxurious, but CEO’s would enjoy a new purity of spirit.

For George W and his cohort “Buckshot” Cheney, I sent some tonics they can take to help them come clean when congressional investigators and grand juries get into their White House files. Confession, after all, can be good for the soul.

For Democratic leaders in congress and the Democratic presidential aspirants, I sent jumbo glue guns so they can stiffen their spines. With regular injections, the party might finally stand up to Bush’s imperial presidency and to corporate kleptocracy in Washington.

I didn’t forget Republican presidential candidates, either. For Mitt, Rudy, Fred, Huck, and the boys, I sent memberships in the Reality-of-the-Month Club, which will deliver a new bottle of real world experience each month. By either drinking these elixirs or rubbing them into their scalps, they can reduce their ideological fantasies and gradually ease their way toward sanity.

If the power elites accept these gifts, we’ll all have a happier New Year!

“Battling the bastards is about as much fun as you can have with your clothes on.”

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