Little Caesars' bacon bomb

Let me say one word to you: Bacon.

Let me say one word to you: Bacon.

Not only is it delicious, it’s practically irresistible – I even know vegans who sneak bites of it. And these days, it’s hard to avoid the splendid pork strip, for it’s in snack foods, on school lunch trays, in bars, breakfast joints, food trailers, fine dining establishments – plus we now have full-blown bacon festivals. Whether called bacon, pancetta, pork belly, or whatever – it’s everywhere and it’s big, now topping $4 billion a year in sales and still growing.

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Unfortunately, bacon is also growing us, feeding the continuing spread of America’s midriffs, diabetes, heart problems, and other downsides. And don’t get me started on the vile and torturous corporate hog factories, where most of the brand-name packages of bacon come from. But a little discretion and moderation can be a bacon eater’s friend – you don’t have to buy the industrialized brands, nor do you have to eat a pound a day, or even a week.

Which brings me to the latest offering by the Little Caesars fast food chain: Bacon-Wrapped Crust Deep! Deep! Dish Pizza.” One word – Don’t. It’s a cholesterol bomb, thick with fatty cheese gooeyness and wrapped on all sides with strips of bacon. Lots of bacon – 3 ½ feet per pizza! But this porker of a pizza doesn’t stop at mere excess – Little Caesars tops the monster with pepperoni and crumbled bacon.

The price is $12, but that’s not the real cost. Each slice doses you with 450 calories, 23 grams of fat, 830 milligrams of salt, and 40 milligrams of cholesterol. The chain’s CEO is unapologetic, saying that fastidious eaters can always get a veggie pizza, but “This is a more indulgent offering for a demographic that craves premium quality.”

Excuse me, sir, but quantity is not quality. They should name this thing “The Emergency Room.”

“Little Ceasars tries bacon-wrapped crust pizza,” www.usatoday.com, February 18, 2015.

“Little Ceasars’ bacon-wrapped deep dish pizza is a triumph of human ingenuity,” www.salon.com, February 18, 2015.

“Battling the bastards is about as much fun as you can have with your clothes on.”

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