SPECIAL GIFTS FOR IMPORTANT PEOPLE

Ho-ho-ho – it's gift-giving season again! I always like to present special gifts at the end of the year to some of America's power elites, just to show that I'm always thinking about them. My presents this year are not products, but some of the important human qualities that they seem to lack.

Ho-ho-ho – it’s gift-giving season again! I always like to present special gifts at the end of the year to some of America’s power elites, just to show that I’m always thinking about them. My presents this year are not products, but some of the important human qualities that they seem to lack.

Let’s start with Wall Street’s top bankers, who have taken huge bailouts from us taxpayers, yet still refuse to invest in the productive, job-creating enterprises that our country desperately needs – even as they lavish multimillion-dollar bonuses on themselves. So I’m sending something to each of them that money can’t buy: great big bottles of humility. Please, drink deeply.

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Now for those congressional Republicans who say that their top priority in the next two years is to defeat President Obama. They’re as confused as goats on Astroturf when it comes to understanding what their job is. Defeating someone doesn’t mean that you win, so please accept my gift: a sense of responsibility. Then go out and do what’s right for America, and let the people sort out the politics for themselves.

As for Obama, it’s obvious that he needs the courage of his convictions. This is a gift that’ll keep on giving. Think of it as Viagra for stiffening the political backbone, helping you stand tall for America’s workaday people, who really do need you standing firmly for them.

And for those teabag Republicans who got elected to Congress by demonizing Obama’s universal health care plan as Big Government Socialism – how about a supersized box of political integrity? Since you oppose providing health coverage to everyone, surely you intend to include yourself by refusing to accept the socialized health care that you Congress critters get from us taxpayers. Take a dose of integrity, and you’ll feel much better in the morning.

To all of my giftees, you are welcome.

“Battling the bastards is about as much fun as you can have with your clothes on.”

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