Wall Street's Ethical Values Explained

Hoo, boy, it's tough in our economy. I know you worry about your own little world, Bucko – whether you're going to have a job, your shrinking paycheck, no health care, rising prices on everything... stuff like that. But, hey Bucko, it's not all about you.

Hoo, boy, it’s tough in our economy. I know you worry about your own little world, Bucko – whether you’re going to have a job, your shrinking paycheck, no health care, rising prices on everything… stuff like that. But, hey Bucko, it’s not all about you.

Show a little concern for those who’re taking a real hard hit in this lean year. Like Wall Street bankers.

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Did you know that top executives at Goldman Sachs, JPMorgan Chase, Citigroup, Bank of America and so forth are facing up to 30 percent cuts in their bonus money? Some of them are looking at a bleak, Dickensian end-of-year holiday season with no more than maybe a $5 million dollar bonus stuffed in their stockings. I’ll pause here for a second so you can reach for a tissue to dry those tears.

“It is disappointing,” said a Wall Street compensation analyst who reports that this will be the weakest bonus season since the crash of ’08. Yeah, yeah, these high rollers still have their base salaries of a million bucks each as a cushion, plus platinum pensions, full health coverage, the corporate jet, chauffeured limousine, and all that executive frou-frou – but the annual bonus money is what it’s all about, the rich sauce that makes the enchilada worth eating.

Besides, it’s not just about the eight-digit checks they’re used to getting. As a former Wall Streeter explains, “compensation is how you measure yourself and your value.” See – and you thought the Street’s elites had no ethical values. In fact, they can count theirs, dollar for dollar.

Did I mention that these sad-faced bankers are lousy at their jobs? Their banks are losing money, they’ve dumped thousands of their employees, they’ve had to pay out billions for defrauding their customers, and their blatant greed has sparked the most massive protest movement America has seen in decades. So the question is, why are they getting any bonus pay at all?

“Wall St. Pay Is Expected To Decrease 205 to 30%,” The New York Times, November 8, 2011.

“Battling the bastards is about as much fun as you can have with your clothes on.”

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